New Blog Space

Hi friends. I have moved this blog on to wordpress, where it will soon be shown more design love. This page will soon redirect there. Until then...

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I am Not a Quitter...

...but I am an Aries, and that means I like to start lots of things and bounce all over the place, sometimes completing them, sometimes losing track. Like this blog. Well, and my body. Many things have changed since I started this blog last year. I have changed a lot of bad eating habits in to good ones. I went from a soy hungry vegetarian to a carnivore again. I lost about 30 lbs, got myself in to at least passable shape, and managed to continue the basics of the plan I set up for myself in order to lose around 70 lbs. However, there's a lot of things that have gone off track. I'm going to blame a lot of it on the fact that I spent my spring and summer in car accident hospital land. The stress and anguish I have gone through this year is nothing to joke about. I am sometimes unsure of how I managed to even get through it. Things are by no means normal now, but at least David is walking again and we're able to resume some of our normal life. One big problem over the past few months for me was the fact that David lost 20 lbs - 20 lbs he couldn't stand to lose - while sitting in a hospital bed for a month. So, when he arrived home, it was important that I help him to gain back a lot of that weight so that he'd no longer look like one of those kids from the Christian Children's Fund commercials. It was harder than you might think. We eat at home most of the time, so I was cooking a lot of food - which made it easier for my portions to get larger and larger - even though we were eating good foods, I have been eating too much. I've gained a bit of weight. Nothing major. But it's there. And, I really need to put my foot down and get back in to my old ways, when I was prioritizing the health of my body over other things, and allowing myself to manage stress my pushing my body. I am not a quitter - and I am not going to stop working toward a healthier body and mind.

Defeated

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and my life is one big bunch of stress and open ended questions that cause me to eat more chocolate than I should. I have gained weight, I have lost my exercise schedule, and I feel completely defeated. I do realize that this time in my life is probably not the best for trying to stick to gigantic life changes. I'm just upset that I lost ground. I have changed enough that seeing what kind of damage falling of the wagon does to me makes me incredibly upset and disgusted. I work constantly, for one job that doesn't pay me enough and asks way to much of me, and for another that pays me but forces me to finish specified projects each week on a time schedule. I am so tired. I hate all of it. I have no time to shoot, or even do work that I like doing. I need something. I need something different.

the scar

i'm just not ok, yet.

I've opened this window time and time again to try and write a bit, at least to update a little. It's just been sort of difficult to put in to words a lot of the emotions I have been going through day to day.

Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.

This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.

Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.

And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.

I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.

It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.

Skinnygirl Margarita

I admit it: I love Bethenny Frankel. I really don't care what you say. I have loved her since I first watched her on "The Real Housewives of New York" (My guilty pleasure show) and I watch all the episodes of her new show, "Bethenny Ever After" on Demand.

Judge all you want. She's a woman who actually works for a living, and has the life I dream of. Successful, inspired, and still down to earth while keeping a great sarcastic wit.

Bethenny created a pre-mixed Margarita product called Skinnygirl, which boasts a great tasting, quality tequila margarita that comes in at only 100 calories per serving. I've seen it on her show forever and always kind of thought, "maybe someday I'll try it, if I remember..."

I was at Bevmo a couple of days ago (where I accidentally spent $30 on a bottle of wine...long story) and they had cases of Skinnygirl at the checkout. So, I said, "What the heck?" and grabbed a bottle for $13.99. (this was when I had no idea that I grabbed a $30 bottle of wine. But anyway.)

For dinner last night, I poured myself a serving of Skinnygirl right in to this here cherry tumbler. No, I don't have Margarita glasses.

Verdict: it's very good. You can tell that it is a lower calorie Margarita (much less sweet) but that's hardly a bad thing. It's very drinkable, and definitely doesn't skimp on the Tequila. Considering ease of use (no mixing) and the fact that you know how many calories you're getting, I can definitely see picking up another bottle in the future for a dinner party or grillout. But, at $13.99 a bottle, I probably wouldn't choose it for Guitar Hero Night or Let's get boozy Saturdays (again, not necessarily a bad thing!)

...says iPad Naysayer