I am a Machine

In 2010, I lost about 30 lbs. I regained fitness. I started something very important.

In 2011, things will change drastically.

Our bodies were not made to suffer and sit. They were made to thrive, move, and kick ass. Physically and psychologically.

I'm making a huge transition right now, as we speak, and I have a lot to say about it. I'm not quite ready to say it all right this second, so please stand by for a post by the end of the week highlighting my plan for 2011.

Suffice it to say: I am a machine. So are you. This will change everything.

Progress: 10/31/10

This is the first time in years I have been unafraid to be photographed. And I'm super happy I was.

The Big Giant Excuse

I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.

There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.

Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.

I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.

But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.

A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.

The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.

I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.

When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.

But right now? I'm just not strong enough.

Progress 10.4.10

Progress: Sept. 16

(All of my belts are being worn at the smallest or second smallest hole. I have had some noticeable changes in clothing size over the past week, and I took two bags of clothes that are too big out of my room)

Ten Days worth of Progress

Photo 1 taken 8/20/10, photo two taken 8/30/10.

Progress: Another Terrible Photo

(I wish I had a big mirror somewhere else in my house where I could take a photo. The light in this area sucks. )

Me, 8.19.10

Please excuse this TERRIBLE photo taken with my Android. I am a professional photographer and am embarrassed to display something like this but it was a quick snap just to show what I look like, today. I FEEL thinner. I can see the weight loss in my face and arms and a little around my hips.