Walking with the Pack

We've been working with a private dog trainer lately who has been working wonders for Hank and the Drummer's relationship. Today we had another session at Fort Funston in San Francisco. It is an amazing park with gracious amounts of space for dogs to run, hike, and meet other dogs.


Today, the trainer brought two other dogs, Jinx, a frightened female pitbull, and Ari, a young Morkie. Ari was so freaking adorable, I wish we could have a little teddy bear dog! Jinx was a sweetheart, too...I identify now with scared, timid dogs and seeing her shake and cower was so difficult for me.

The idea was to create a pack so we could work on Hank's trust level. We had a great time! It's GREAT to hike through the park with all of the dog walkers, meeting packs of unique dogs
of all types. We're learning how to understand different types of energy in dogs AND how that energy is given from the owner. Toward the end of the session, David was instructed to drop the long lead and allow Hank to walk next to the pack with no hands on the leash! He did an amazing job - even sniffing, greeting, and enjoying the scenery while still being able to be recalled back to the pack.

We would have never thought a year ago when Hank got here that he'd have started to trust David. But, he's our family now and we're dedicated to figuring him out - and the effort is producing some wonderful fruits.

Fort Funston is GORGEOUS. This is how far behind I was walking to make sure Hank wasn't fixating on me instead of following David.

We arrived at the park at 9 am and spent two hours with the trainer, hiking and walking and moving and playing. We did around 5 miles and with all the hills, I was able to burn 1200 calories! A great workout, too.

The Big Giant Excuse

I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.

There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.

Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.

I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.

But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.

A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.

The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.

I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.

When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.

But right now? I'm just not strong enough.

OMG

You Guys.

What have I been doing all my life? Apparently, being a total dummy, because today I went to the gym with my new membership. For the first time.

Now I've been to gyms before. In high school I even worked out at the city gym fairly regularly for a bit, but I just paid the entrance fee and didn't have a membership.

Ok, there's a backstory. On Sunday, my Elliptical machine broke. It's nothing special; I paid $400 for it and I never expected it would be perfect. I use it a lot and well, it's kind of shoddy, and some sodering came loose. We bought the extended warranty so someday soon I'll get Nordic Track in here to fix it, but in the meantime, I freaked. No workout? Not going to happen. So I got online right then and there and joined 24hr fitness.

It was sort of a rash decision. Today, I went for the first time. This morning I went and got my membership validated, then walked around to see the place. It's pretty big, with every machine you can think of, plus a gym, spa room and a lap pool. I went at 9 so it was a little packed; I still managed to get on an elliptical. It's one of those fancy Precor ones, you know, that work and don't wobble, LOL. I did 2 miles in 20 minutes, no problem.

Tuesdays are nice because I am not at the studio and work at home, so I generally get some pretty good workout time in. After the 2 miles this morning, David decided to take Hank to Pt Isabel for some walk training, and so we did two really fast miles there.

Tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about the gym. I was imagining all that shiny equipment; I wanted to run, to bike, to strength train. I finally succumbed around 9:00 pm, and by 9:30 I was walking in the door.

It was much less packed, and I think 9:30 will be a regular time for me to do nightly workouts. I jumped on the elliptical and plugged my headphones in to the machine; the machines allow you to listen to what's going on the big tvs on the wall. I watched The Biggest Loser (which I'd never seen before) and a part of a show called Parenthood. Before I knew it, 2 miles had gone by and I jumped off the machine to bike. Then I biked four miles. I figured I'd end the day with a cool down walk of a mile on a treadmill - a machine I've never used until tonight.

All and all, I was there for an hour and I burned around 550 calories. And now, I'm in love.

I need to find someone to help me get started on the weight and strength machines, because I'm totally dumb about them. But it will happen. I plan to swim. I plan to take one of the spin classes they have there.

I'm so excited. This amazing fitness day is just a reminder to me about how my life has really changed, finally. The way I felt about getting in there, to workout, to keep moving; that's nothing I've ever felt before. My priorities are changing and I'm getting healthier as my size goes down. This week has been really shitty so far and I really needed today. It came out of nowhere, and helped me to remember that I am in control of my life and I am making some amazing changes that have already started to pay off.

Finally, here's a look at my Gowear Fit activity monitor today. Looking at this makes me so proud.

• I burned 4331 calories today. My general target is 2000 and I usually burn between 2600 - 3000. This is an awesome milestone.
• I walked over 18,000 steps! This includes my time on the treadmill and elliptical. That is a huge, gigantic record. I have yet to wear the GoWear fit to a wedding when I'm working, and I'd bet that I might get close or break that on one of those days. But this is another awesome milestone and record for me.
• I had an elevated heart rate and was exercising for 2 hours and 38 minutes. Totally awesome.

Training Schedule - August 23-28 2010

I'll be posting my training schedule here, and then coming back at the end of the week revise the post with how I actually did.


MONDAY: 20 min AM elliptical Level 2, 30min PM elliptical Level 3

TUESDAY: 20min AM elliptical, 2 miles Elliptical various interval PM, 25 min upper body fitness

WEDNESDAY: 25 min fitness AM, 2.5 mile walk PM

THURSDAY: 20min AM elliptical Level 2, 2 miles Elliptical various interval PM

FRIDAY: 20 min elliptical Level 2, 25 min fitness workout

SATURDAY: 2.5 mile walk, 25 min various fitness workout

SUNDAY: Tennis

GoWear Fit - A Life Changing Tool!

I was reading through some weight loss blogs a few weeks ago when I came across someone discussing their activity tracking device. I think this particular blogger used a Body Bugg, but nevertheless I started looking up these trackers with interest and found the one I inevitably purchased, the GoWear fit.
In this phase of my weight loss journey I felt like it was really important to track EVERYTHING. The Drummer sometimes laughs at me because on any walk we go on, I use CardioTrainer (a distance/pace/calorie tracking and motivating tool for my Droid Eris) and keep track of what we did. But, when I go home and track all of that information on DailyMile, it makes me feel great. Before I joined Weight Watchers, I carried a small notebook to chart all food I ate in the day. It's so easy to make up stuff in your head, I wanted to be accountable. That's a big step for me.

So, reading about the GoWear Fit was interesting because it was another way to get an accurate track of what my body was doing all day. The GoWear tracks these things:

• Caloric Output. The GoWear tracks how many calories I burn in a day based on a few key measurements: motion, steps, galvanic skin response, skin temperature and heat flux.
  
• Physical Activity. The device tracks how intense my physical activity is - and since it is on me all day, that includes even things like walking up a big flight of stairs, or a big hill.
  
• Steps. Just like a pedometer, the GoWear tracks how many steps I take in a day.
  
• Sleep Efficiency. This is the coolest feature. The device tracks my sleep: it knows how long I'm laying down and how long I'm sleeping. It's interesting to wake up in the morning and plug it in to see where I was awake and where I was sleeping. This has also been the most startling of the discoveries - the amount of sleep I'm getting is nowhere near what I should be getting.
  

All of this information is compiled on a profile chart for me, where I can see everything. Additionally, using their web interface, I can chart my calories, so the interface can calculate what my caloric deficit is. I've chosen to use Weight Watchers instead to track food, but knowing the amount of calories I'm burning, as well as the intensity and my sleep - I'm in much better control over what my body is doing.

The device is a little weird to wear. I don't FEEL it really on my arm, but It is noticeable and people ask questions. I don't mind talking about it, though, because I really believe in the benefits.