The Big Giant Excuse

I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.

There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.

Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.

I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.

But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.

A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.

The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.

I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.

When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.

But right now? I'm just not strong enough.

The Science of Over Eating

I did some really quick grocery shopping, to replenish necessities today. While I was wandering the aisles I started thinking about something that I've never really discussed outwardly with regard to my over eating issues. Interestingly enough, it's something that I have discussed with regard to other parts of my life - mania and obsessive shopping.

Growing up, my family was really poor. And by really poor, I do not mean that we were "poor". We were POOR. The free school lunch, food stamps, only-have-one-pair-of-pants poor. Now, that being said, both of my (divorced) parents did a great job of providing how they could and making sure that I was never wondering where my next meal would come from. But, the ugly side of poverty is the mental stress it creates; for me, someone who already suffers from manic depression, I was impressed upon with the mark of being without. I have battled a shopping addiction that (while worsened due to mania) was a result to being heavily embarrassed and shamed over clothing/supplies while I was young. (At one point, I had several pairs of jeans, some that didn't fit but were bought on clearance, that had never been worn and still had tags on them on a shelf in my closet.) I'm sure there are people who will find these issues ridiculous, considering there are many, many poor kids that grow up with minimal emotional/psychological scars. However, the lack of a family unit/support system mixed with my natural personality of needing to be in control caused some rather gnarly results.

I've been realizing that this issue of being without has not only affected my shopping compulsion, but has also very negatively affected my eating habits. The years of food being a restricted item of value have created a monster inside of me who feels that I SHOULD eat whatever I want because I CAN. It's, again, a matter of power. Of control. I have the power, and my personality (oh, all of it's AWESOMENESS, right? BAH!) enables the need factor. I call this power eating.

Bitchcakes, a Weight Watchers/fitness blogger who has seriously inspired me, recently blogged about staying satisfied/food issues. When I read this particular post, I really identified with what she says about the overeater's need to eat in order to NOT be hungry. In fact, the entire post is great and really hits the mark on major problems we, as over eaters, face.

But, after being inspired by that post, I thought more about what over eating is to me. Aside from what Bitchcakes wrote, and the added emotional or manic/depressed eating I do, I realized that when I'm power eating, I eat so fast I barely taste it. If I'm eating, let's say, chocolate; I eat the piece in my mouth and the entire time am thinking about the NEXT piece I will eat. So, I am not even enjoying the chocolate while it's in my mouth, I'm eating it because I CAN and thinking about the REST of what I will eat because I can, anticipating it like it's an event, not food.

For the past few months, as I've been working on this journey, I have spent so much time and energy approaching these problems, accepting them, and trying to change them. For me, change doesn't mean that I will magically wake up and be free of my need to be in control of everything in my life. It does mean, however, that I'll be able to learn to shift the control over to something more positive. I want to take that energy and shift it over to being in control of tracking my food through Weight Watchers, making sure I get in my workouts.