Offleash - The Proof

I forgot to post this here, but in case any of you haven't seen it, here's Hank doing an offleash walk. We are very proud of him.

The Void

I've spent a lot of my life being a support system for people around me. For certain members of my family, friends, and even people I don't know that well. I love giving advice, being an ear, and most importantly I love pushing the idea of positivity on people who are having a hard time or seeing things from inside of a hole. I love solving problems - it's a big part of who I am. I would never wish it to be any other way.

I hate when there isn't an answer. It's partially my inability to be patient. But, also, I like progress and again, troubleshooting. For me, a problem is never the end. A problem is a reason to discuss, to think, and to use positive energy to find the solution.

The positivity I can surround myself in has always been something I have been very proud of. It comes from two places: my Dad, who is a problem solver that taught me his ways, and the "can't do" attitude of my Mom, which taught me that being negative and stopping has absolutely no good results.

And so, I have found myself as the one people come to with problems. The one who tells you straight, the one who helps you come up with a solution, with pretty much everyone I meet. And for that, I use so much of my positive juice. I take on the burden not of the pain others go through, but of the responsibility for others to have a place to go, someone to talk to, anytime they feel things are out of control. And, unfortunately, with the exception of about three people ( who for the most part live 2000 miles away), I realize that I am nothing more than that person - the one who will help.

Now, there is the void: because I'm in the hole, and all of my positive juice is spent. I go to home to my husband who is also in his own hole and the phone never rings, an email never comes, and my chat boxes are empty. It feels as if the whole world is out enjoying their lives and I'm here, digging my fingernails in to the stone walls, trying to pull myself out in the dark. I'm tired. My fingernails are cracked and bleeding and the creeping little voice from my aching arms says, "give up".

David's entire department was laid off after 5 years earlier this year, and now both of us have been laid off from a new job (for him, I have been there for 2 years). Of course, we both have other part time dealings that bring in some money but now we've lost our stable income. Twice. The job sucked and is no real loss mentally but it was funding a lot of things, two of which will now come to a halt - growing my photography business and finishing my education. We're lucky to have money saved, but in this terrible job market, the realization that we may not be employed well in to next year has finally knocked me out. From the beginning I was seeing this development as the time for me to finally kick my ass in to gear - I should be focusing all of my attention on my business, on my real trade - instead of wasting my time, and this job has allowed me to dwaddle around. But now, overwhelmed by the disgusting list of things I need to do and money I need to spend and fully realizing that we have no stable income, I'm locked up. The power's out and I don't see the way forward right now.

I was hoping that writing this blog post would help me move forward, but still now, at the end, I'm blank. I'm going to finish the day locked up in this tiny apartment a million miles away from anyone or anything, as usual. Let's hope a week's worth of workouts doesn't go out the window. Where I'm at mentally is unacceptable, and it feels weird to be letting it win.

Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. I feel extremely thankful for the wonderful people in my life, near and far, my family, and of course, for all of the opportunities and possibilities that come with life.

I didn't do too badly yesterday. I did eat cornbread, sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, but I don't feel bad about it - I had one, normal serving of everything.

In celebration, here's a video of David carving our first Tofurkey dinner! These little things are actually very good.

Walking with the Pack

We've been working with a private dog trainer lately who has been working wonders for Hank and the Drummer's relationship. Today we had another session at Fort Funston in San Francisco. It is an amazing park with gracious amounts of space for dogs to run, hike, and meet other dogs.


Today, the trainer brought two other dogs, Jinx, a frightened female pitbull, and Ari, a young Morkie. Ari was so freaking adorable, I wish we could have a little teddy bear dog! Jinx was a sweetheart, too...I identify now with scared, timid dogs and seeing her shake and cower was so difficult for me.

The idea was to create a pack so we could work on Hank's trust level. We had a great time! It's GREAT to hike through the park with all of the dog walkers, meeting packs of unique dogs
of all types. We're learning how to understand different types of energy in dogs AND how that energy is given from the owner. Toward the end of the session, David was instructed to drop the long lead and allow Hank to walk next to the pack with no hands on the leash! He did an amazing job - even sniffing, greeting, and enjoying the scenery while still being able to be recalled back to the pack.

We would have never thought a year ago when Hank got here that he'd have started to trust David. But, he's our family now and we're dedicated to figuring him out - and the effort is producing some wonderful fruits.

Fort Funston is GORGEOUS. This is how far behind I was walking to make sure Hank wasn't fixating on me instead of following David.

We arrived at the park at 9 am and spent two hours with the trainer, hiking and walking and moving and playing. We did around 5 miles and with all the hills, I was able to burn 1200 calories! A great workout, too.

Injuries, Change and Food

Lots and lots of negative, crappy things happening lately in our little world. I am doing my best not to eat my way out of it. I am doing OK. Nothing terrible...a few more pieces of chocolate.

I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I have plantar fasciitis in my left foot. I have had two flare-ups since starting my program...one was about two months ago, and the other was just last week. The first time I rested it and it felt better pretty quick. I could still tell that it was inflamed during especially long sessions or walks, but I got by. This time, the pain was so intense that I was unable to walk correctly for a couple of days. Really freaking annoying because the point at which the pain really comes from is almost exactly where my foot sort of bends when I run/walk/elliptical. Apparently there's little that you can really do besides rest it and condition the muscle, so I don't feel as bad that I don't have health insurance to go to the Dr.

Anyway, after two failed attempts(I use the world failed liberally...I was still able to work out but unable to do what I wanted due to the pain) last week at the gym, I was finally able to do another 3 mile run today. I wanted to be up to 3.5 miles this week, but I am just happy to be running again. I am going to try not to push it so the muscle continues to heal.

I don't really want to talk about the other crap going on because it consists of stuff I'm just sick of thinking about. I will tell you one thing: I am sick of dealing with other people's businesses and what those businesses choose to treat their employees like. I am sick of everything being about profit and nothing being about people. There IS a happy medium. I will admit that over the past couple of years, I've let the security of other these other people's payroll hinder my progress both as an artist and as an entrepreneur, but those days are over.

Progress: 10/31/10

This is the first time in years I have been unafraid to be photographed. And I'm super happy I was.