Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Defeated
I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and my life is one big bunch of stress and open ended questions that cause me to eat more chocolate than I should. I have gained weight, I have lost my exercise schedule, and I feel completely defeated.
I do realize that this time in my life is probably not the best for trying to stick to gigantic life changes. I'm just upset that I lost ground. I have changed enough that seeing what kind of damage falling of the wagon does to me makes me incredibly upset and disgusted.
I work constantly, for one job that doesn't pay me enough and asks way to much of me, and for another that pays me but forces me to finish specified projects each week on a time schedule. I am so tired. I hate all of it. I have no time to shoot, or even do work that I like doing.
I need something. I need something different.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
i'm just not ok, yet.
I've opened this window time and time again to try and write a bit, at least to update a little. It's just been sort of difficult to put in to words a lot of the emotions I have been going through day to day.
Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.
This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.
Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.
And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.
I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.
It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.
Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.
This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.
Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.
And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.
I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.
It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Skinnygirl Margarita
I admit it: I love Bethenny Frankel. I really don't care what you say. I have loved her since I first watched her on "The Real Housewives of New York" (My guilty pleasure show) and I watch all the episodes of her new show, "Bethenny Ever After" on Demand.
Judge all you want. She's a woman who actually works for a living, and has the life I dream of. Successful, inspired, and still down to earth while keeping a great sarcastic wit.
Bethenny created a pre-mixed Margarita product called Skinnygirl, which boasts a great tasting, quality tequila margarita that comes in at only 100 calories per serving. I've seen it on her show forever and always kind of thought, "maybe someday I'll try it, if I remember..."
I was at Bevmo a couple of days ago (where I accidentally spent $30 on a bottle of wine...long story) and they had cases of Skinnygirl at the checkout. So, I said, "What the heck?" and grabbed a bottle for $13.99. (this was when I had no idea that I grabbed a $30 bottle of wine. But anyway.)
For dinner last night, I poured myself a serving of Skinnygirl right in to this here cherry tumbler. No, I don't have Margarita glasses.
Verdict: it's very good. You can tell that it is a lower calorie Margarita (much less sweet) but that's hardly a bad thing. It's very drinkable, and definitely doesn't skimp on the Tequila. Considering ease of use (no mixing) and the fact that you know how many calories you're getting, I can definitely see picking up another bottle in the future for a dinner party or grillout. But, at $13.99 a bottle, I probably wouldn't choose it for Guitar Hero Night or Let's get boozy Saturdays (again, not necessarily a bad thing!)
Judge all you want. She's a woman who actually works for a living, and has the life I dream of. Successful, inspired, and still down to earth while keeping a great sarcastic wit.
Bethenny created a pre-mixed Margarita product called Skinnygirl, which boasts a great tasting, quality tequila margarita that comes in at only 100 calories per serving. I've seen it on her show forever and always kind of thought, "maybe someday I'll try it, if I remember..."
I was at Bevmo a couple of days ago (where I accidentally spent $30 on a bottle of wine...long story) and they had cases of Skinnygirl at the checkout. So, I said, "What the heck?" and grabbed a bottle for $13.99. (this was when I had no idea that I grabbed a $30 bottle of wine. But anyway.)
For dinner last night, I poured myself a serving of Skinnygirl right in to this here cherry tumbler. No, I don't have Margarita glasses.
Verdict: it's very good. You can tell that it is a lower calorie Margarita (much less sweet) but that's hardly a bad thing. It's very drinkable, and definitely doesn't skimp on the Tequila. Considering ease of use (no mixing) and the fact that you know how many calories you're getting, I can definitely see picking up another bottle in the future for a dinner party or grillout. But, at $13.99 a bottle, I probably wouldn't choose it for Guitar Hero Night or Let's get boozy Saturdays (again, not necessarily a bad thing!)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
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