The Void

I've spent a lot of my life being a support system for people around me. For certain members of my family, friends, and even people I don't know that well. I love giving advice, being an ear, and most importantly I love pushing the idea of positivity on people who are having a hard time or seeing things from inside of a hole. I love solving problems - it's a big part of who I am. I would never wish it to be any other way.

I hate when there isn't an answer. It's partially my inability to be patient. But, also, I like progress and again, troubleshooting. For me, a problem is never the end. A problem is a reason to discuss, to think, and to use positive energy to find the solution.

The positivity I can surround myself in has always been something I have been very proud of. It comes from two places: my Dad, who is a problem solver that taught me his ways, and the "can't do" attitude of my Mom, which taught me that being negative and stopping has absolutely no good results.

And so, I have found myself as the one people come to with problems. The one who tells you straight, the one who helps you come up with a solution, with pretty much everyone I meet. And for that, I use so much of my positive juice. I take on the burden not of the pain others go through, but of the responsibility for others to have a place to go, someone to talk to, anytime they feel things are out of control. And, unfortunately, with the exception of about three people ( who for the most part live 2000 miles away), I realize that I am nothing more than that person - the one who will help.

Now, there is the void: because I'm in the hole, and all of my positive juice is spent. I go to home to my husband who is also in his own hole and the phone never rings, an email never comes, and my chat boxes are empty. It feels as if the whole world is out enjoying their lives and I'm here, digging my fingernails in to the stone walls, trying to pull myself out in the dark. I'm tired. My fingernails are cracked and bleeding and the creeping little voice from my aching arms says, "give up".

David's entire department was laid off after 5 years earlier this year, and now both of us have been laid off from a new job (for him, I have been there for 2 years). Of course, we both have other part time dealings that bring in some money but now we've lost our stable income. Twice. The job sucked and is no real loss mentally but it was funding a lot of things, two of which will now come to a halt - growing my photography business and finishing my education. We're lucky to have money saved, but in this terrible job market, the realization that we may not be employed well in to next year has finally knocked me out. From the beginning I was seeing this development as the time for me to finally kick my ass in to gear - I should be focusing all of my attention on my business, on my real trade - instead of wasting my time, and this job has allowed me to dwaddle around. But now, overwhelmed by the disgusting list of things I need to do and money I need to spend and fully realizing that we have no stable income, I'm locked up. The power's out and I don't see the way forward right now.

I was hoping that writing this blog post would help me move forward, but still now, at the end, I'm blank. I'm going to finish the day locked up in this tiny apartment a million miles away from anyone or anything, as usual. Let's hope a week's worth of workouts doesn't go out the window. Where I'm at mentally is unacceptable, and it feels weird to be letting it win.