Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
i'm just not ok, yet.
I've opened this window time and time again to try and write a bit, at least to update a little. It's just been sort of difficult to put in to words a lot of the emotions I have been going through day to day.
Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.
This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.
Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.
And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.
I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.
It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.
Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.
This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.
Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.
And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.
I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.
It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.
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