The Science of Over Eating

I did some really quick grocery shopping, to replenish necessities today. While I was wandering the aisles I started thinking about something that I've never really discussed outwardly with regard to my over eating issues. Interestingly enough, it's something that I have discussed with regard to other parts of my life - mania and obsessive shopping.

Growing up, my family was really poor. And by really poor, I do not mean that we were "poor". We were POOR. The free school lunch, food stamps, only-have-one-pair-of-pants poor. Now, that being said, both of my (divorced) parents did a great job of providing how they could and making sure that I was never wondering where my next meal would come from. But, the ugly side of poverty is the mental stress it creates; for me, someone who already suffers from manic depression, I was impressed upon with the mark of being without. I have battled a shopping addiction that (while worsened due to mania) was a result to being heavily embarrassed and shamed over clothing/supplies while I was young. (At one point, I had several pairs of jeans, some that didn't fit but were bought on clearance, that had never been worn and still had tags on them on a shelf in my closet.) I'm sure there are people who will find these issues ridiculous, considering there are many, many poor kids that grow up with minimal emotional/psychological scars. However, the lack of a family unit/support system mixed with my natural personality of needing to be in control caused some rather gnarly results.

I've been realizing that this issue of being without has not only affected my shopping compulsion, but has also very negatively affected my eating habits. The years of food being a restricted item of value have created a monster inside of me who feels that I SHOULD eat whatever I want because I CAN. It's, again, a matter of power. Of control. I have the power, and my personality (oh, all of it's AWESOMENESS, right? BAH!) enables the need factor. I call this power eating.

Bitchcakes, a Weight Watchers/fitness blogger who has seriously inspired me, recently blogged about staying satisfied/food issues. When I read this particular post, I really identified with what she says about the overeater's need to eat in order to NOT be hungry. In fact, the entire post is great and really hits the mark on major problems we, as over eaters, face.

But, after being inspired by that post, I thought more about what over eating is to me. Aside from what Bitchcakes wrote, and the added emotional or manic/depressed eating I do, I realized that when I'm power eating, I eat so fast I barely taste it. If I'm eating, let's say, chocolate; I eat the piece in my mouth and the entire time am thinking about the NEXT piece I will eat. So, I am not even enjoying the chocolate while it's in my mouth, I'm eating it because I CAN and thinking about the REST of what I will eat because I can, anticipating it like it's an event, not food.

For the past few months, as I've been working on this journey, I have spent so much time and energy approaching these problems, accepting them, and trying to change them. For me, change doesn't mean that I will magically wake up and be free of my need to be in control of everything in my life. It does mean, however, that I'll be able to learn to shift the control over to something more positive. I want to take that energy and shift it over to being in control of tracking my food through Weight Watchers, making sure I get in my workouts.

Wisconsin in the Fall

The Drummer and I went home for the weekend to celebrate my friend, and future bride, Sara (and her wonderful fiancee Aaron)'s engagement with a straight up Wisconsin picnic.

It should also be mentioned that I'm the Matron of Honor for the wedding, something that I am extremely humbled and excited for. We got to go dress shopping and we found *the* dress!


I worked out extra hard the few days before I left for Wi, fully knowing that my diet and exercise plan would be facing intense adversity while away. Of course, I was right. I didn't get in any real workouts (even though we did do a lot of walking) and as far as food was concerned...I'm not sure I even want to talk about it.

Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I'm not *really* capable of the type of self-destruction that I have participated in in the past. (of course it's possible, but not AS probable.) I ate fairly well until the party on Saturday, and even at the party, I did better than I would have expected. My plate included small, spoon sized portions of macaroni and potato salad, a spoon of guacamole, and a spoon of taco dip. AND, I didn't go back for a second helping :) Now, if you've ever been to a Wisconsin party, you know that aside from almost everything including meat (which of course, I had to pick around - but that's just less eating!) there are at least four desserts for every person. In past times, this would have been a big deal...but this time, I ate one dessert - Aaron's Mom's brownie/chocolate peanut butter rice crispie bars.

Then, the Drummer and I spent a day eating our favorite Madison foods...including Papa Johns and New Orleans Takeout. Ugh. Honestly, it was fun but I was so full after NOT it seriously affected the rest of the day :( However, It was wonderful experiencing my home state again in the fall. There's NOTHING like the smell of Autumn, the changing leaves, and the cool breeze. I even treated myself to a Cinnamon Harvest latte from Steep and Brew when the Drummer and I made our usual trip there. I always visit the Steep and Brew, every trip...it's where the Drummer and I met 6 years ago. :)


A short video of some highlights, using my new P/S camera...it shoots HD and is nice and SMALL compared to carrying 5d/lenses everywhere! Love it.

The upside of the trip: my weight loss was noticeable enough for loved ones/friends to mention it. That was a wonderful feeling. Now, I'm hoping to go home for Christmas and surprise them again.

Progress: Sept. 16

(All of my belts are being worn at the smallest or second smallest hole. I have had some noticeable changes in clothing size over the past week, and I took two bags of clothes that are too big out of my room)

Disgusting

I have to focus more on posting to this blog in positive moments, but just like any blog, it takes a little time to really get in to a flow with it. I'm just getting used to the life changes myself.

Right now, I'm just not feeling positive. In fact, I feel like garbage. Ugly, fat garbage. Completely unattractive, ripe for ridicule.

The euphoria of progress, success, works wonders sometimes. Then, I go back to feeling how I always have - disgusting.

Disgusting.