Offleash - The Proof

I forgot to post this here, but in case any of you haven't seen it, here's Hank doing an offleash walk. We are very proud of him.

The Void

I've spent a lot of my life being a support system for people around me. For certain members of my family, friends, and even people I don't know that well. I love giving advice, being an ear, and most importantly I love pushing the idea of positivity on people who are having a hard time or seeing things from inside of a hole. I love solving problems - it's a big part of who I am. I would never wish it to be any other way.

I hate when there isn't an answer. It's partially my inability to be patient. But, also, I like progress and again, troubleshooting. For me, a problem is never the end. A problem is a reason to discuss, to think, and to use positive energy to find the solution.

The positivity I can surround myself in has always been something I have been very proud of. It comes from two places: my Dad, who is a problem solver that taught me his ways, and the "can't do" attitude of my Mom, which taught me that being negative and stopping has absolutely no good results.

And so, I have found myself as the one people come to with problems. The one who tells you straight, the one who helps you come up with a solution, with pretty much everyone I meet. And for that, I use so much of my positive juice. I take on the burden not of the pain others go through, but of the responsibility for others to have a place to go, someone to talk to, anytime they feel things are out of control. And, unfortunately, with the exception of about three people ( who for the most part live 2000 miles away), I realize that I am nothing more than that person - the one who will help.

Now, there is the void: because I'm in the hole, and all of my positive juice is spent. I go to home to my husband who is also in his own hole and the phone never rings, an email never comes, and my chat boxes are empty. It feels as if the whole world is out enjoying their lives and I'm here, digging my fingernails in to the stone walls, trying to pull myself out in the dark. I'm tired. My fingernails are cracked and bleeding and the creeping little voice from my aching arms says, "give up".

David's entire department was laid off after 5 years earlier this year, and now both of us have been laid off from a new job (for him, I have been there for 2 years). Of course, we both have other part time dealings that bring in some money but now we've lost our stable income. Twice. The job sucked and is no real loss mentally but it was funding a lot of things, two of which will now come to a halt - growing my photography business and finishing my education. We're lucky to have money saved, but in this terrible job market, the realization that we may not be employed well in to next year has finally knocked me out. From the beginning I was seeing this development as the time for me to finally kick my ass in to gear - I should be focusing all of my attention on my business, on my real trade - instead of wasting my time, and this job has allowed me to dwaddle around. But now, overwhelmed by the disgusting list of things I need to do and money I need to spend and fully realizing that we have no stable income, I'm locked up. The power's out and I don't see the way forward right now.

I was hoping that writing this blog post would help me move forward, but still now, at the end, I'm blank. I'm going to finish the day locked up in this tiny apartment a million miles away from anyone or anything, as usual. Let's hope a week's worth of workouts doesn't go out the window. Where I'm at mentally is unacceptable, and it feels weird to be letting it win.

Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. I feel extremely thankful for the wonderful people in my life, near and far, my family, and of course, for all of the opportunities and possibilities that come with life.

I didn't do too badly yesterday. I did eat cornbread, sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, but I don't feel bad about it - I had one, normal serving of everything.

In celebration, here's a video of David carving our first Tofurkey dinner! These little things are actually very good.

Walking with the Pack

We've been working with a private dog trainer lately who has been working wonders for Hank and the Drummer's relationship. Today we had another session at Fort Funston in San Francisco. It is an amazing park with gracious amounts of space for dogs to run, hike, and meet other dogs.


Today, the trainer brought two other dogs, Jinx, a frightened female pitbull, and Ari, a young Morkie. Ari was so freaking adorable, I wish we could have a little teddy bear dog! Jinx was a sweetheart, too...I identify now with scared, timid dogs and seeing her shake and cower was so difficult for me.

The idea was to create a pack so we could work on Hank's trust level. We had a great time! It's GREAT to hike through the park with all of the dog walkers, meeting packs of unique dogs
of all types. We're learning how to understand different types of energy in dogs AND how that energy is given from the owner. Toward the end of the session, David was instructed to drop the long lead and allow Hank to walk next to the pack with no hands on the leash! He did an amazing job - even sniffing, greeting, and enjoying the scenery while still being able to be recalled back to the pack.

We would have never thought a year ago when Hank got here that he'd have started to trust David. But, he's our family now and we're dedicated to figuring him out - and the effort is producing some wonderful fruits.

Fort Funston is GORGEOUS. This is how far behind I was walking to make sure Hank wasn't fixating on me instead of following David.

We arrived at the park at 9 am and spent two hours with the trainer, hiking and walking and moving and playing. We did around 5 miles and with all the hills, I was able to burn 1200 calories! A great workout, too.

Injuries, Change and Food

Lots and lots of negative, crappy things happening lately in our little world. I am doing my best not to eat my way out of it. I am doing OK. Nothing terrible...a few more pieces of chocolate.

I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I have plantar fasciitis in my left foot. I have had two flare-ups since starting my program...one was about two months ago, and the other was just last week. The first time I rested it and it felt better pretty quick. I could still tell that it was inflamed during especially long sessions or walks, but I got by. This time, the pain was so intense that I was unable to walk correctly for a couple of days. Really freaking annoying because the point at which the pain really comes from is almost exactly where my foot sort of bends when I run/walk/elliptical. Apparently there's little that you can really do besides rest it and condition the muscle, so I don't feel as bad that I don't have health insurance to go to the Dr.

Anyway, after two failed attempts(I use the world failed liberally...I was still able to work out but unable to do what I wanted due to the pain) last week at the gym, I was finally able to do another 3 mile run today. I wanted to be up to 3.5 miles this week, but I am just happy to be running again. I am going to try not to push it so the muscle continues to heal.

I don't really want to talk about the other crap going on because it consists of stuff I'm just sick of thinking about. I will tell you one thing: I am sick of dealing with other people's businesses and what those businesses choose to treat their employees like. I am sick of everything being about profit and nothing being about people. There IS a happy medium. I will admit that over the past couple of years, I've let the security of other these other people's payroll hinder my progress both as an artist and as an entrepreneur, but those days are over.

Progress: 10/31/10

This is the first time in years I have been unafraid to be photographed. And I'm super happy I was.

The Big Giant Excuse

I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.

There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.

Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.

I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.

But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.

A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.

The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.

I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.

When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.

But right now? I'm just not strong enough.

OMG

You Guys.

What have I been doing all my life? Apparently, being a total dummy, because today I went to the gym with my new membership. For the first time.

Now I've been to gyms before. In high school I even worked out at the city gym fairly regularly for a bit, but I just paid the entrance fee and didn't have a membership.

Ok, there's a backstory. On Sunday, my Elliptical machine broke. It's nothing special; I paid $400 for it and I never expected it would be perfect. I use it a lot and well, it's kind of shoddy, and some sodering came loose. We bought the extended warranty so someday soon I'll get Nordic Track in here to fix it, but in the meantime, I freaked. No workout? Not going to happen. So I got online right then and there and joined 24hr fitness.

It was sort of a rash decision. Today, I went for the first time. This morning I went and got my membership validated, then walked around to see the place. It's pretty big, with every machine you can think of, plus a gym, spa room and a lap pool. I went at 9 so it was a little packed; I still managed to get on an elliptical. It's one of those fancy Precor ones, you know, that work and don't wobble, LOL. I did 2 miles in 20 minutes, no problem.

Tuesdays are nice because I am not at the studio and work at home, so I generally get some pretty good workout time in. After the 2 miles this morning, David decided to take Hank to Pt Isabel for some walk training, and so we did two really fast miles there.

Tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about the gym. I was imagining all that shiny equipment; I wanted to run, to bike, to strength train. I finally succumbed around 9:00 pm, and by 9:30 I was walking in the door.

It was much less packed, and I think 9:30 will be a regular time for me to do nightly workouts. I jumped on the elliptical and plugged my headphones in to the machine; the machines allow you to listen to what's going on the big tvs on the wall. I watched The Biggest Loser (which I'd never seen before) and a part of a show called Parenthood. Before I knew it, 2 miles had gone by and I jumped off the machine to bike. Then I biked four miles. I figured I'd end the day with a cool down walk of a mile on a treadmill - a machine I've never used until tonight.

All and all, I was there for an hour and I burned around 550 calories. And now, I'm in love.

I need to find someone to help me get started on the weight and strength machines, because I'm totally dumb about them. But it will happen. I plan to swim. I plan to take one of the spin classes they have there.

I'm so excited. This amazing fitness day is just a reminder to me about how my life has really changed, finally. The way I felt about getting in there, to workout, to keep moving; that's nothing I've ever felt before. My priorities are changing and I'm getting healthier as my size goes down. This week has been really shitty so far and I really needed today. It came out of nowhere, and helped me to remember that I am in control of my life and I am making some amazing changes that have already started to pay off.

Finally, here's a look at my Gowear Fit activity monitor today. Looking at this makes me so proud.

• I burned 4331 calories today. My general target is 2000 and I usually burn between 2600 - 3000. This is an awesome milestone.
• I walked over 18,000 steps! This includes my time on the treadmill and elliptical. That is a huge, gigantic record. I have yet to wear the GoWear fit to a wedding when I'm working, and I'd bet that I might get close or break that on one of those days. But this is another awesome milestone and record for me.
• I had an elevated heart rate and was exercising for 2 hours and 38 minutes. Totally awesome.

Progress 10.4.10

Baked Falafel

We made this AWESOME baked falafel tonight for dinner. It's a Weight Watchers recipe, and while it's a little high in pts (7/serving) it is really filling and REALLY AWESOME.

Baked Falafel Sandwich

	15 1/2 oz canned chickpeas, rinsed and drained
	1/4 cup(s) onion(s), chopped
	1/4 cup(s) parsley, or cilantro, fresh, chopped
	1 medium garlic clove(s), minced
	1 tsp ground cumin
	1/4 tsp ground coriander
	1/4 tsp table salt
	1/4 tsp baking soda
	1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
	2 tsp olive oil
	2 Tbsp tahini sesame butter
	2 Tbsp water
	1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
	8 piece(s) lettuce
	4 large wheat pita(s) (we used 100 Calorie wraps)

Instructions

• Combine chickpeas, onion, parsley, garlic, cumin, coriander, salt and baking soda in a food processor or blender. Process until mixture is coarsely pureed and transfer to large bowl. Stir in flour; shape mixture into 4 large patties and let stand for 15 minutes.
  
  
• Preheat oven to 400ºF.
  
  
• Heat oil in a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat. Add patties and cook until golden brown, flipping once, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer skillet to oven and bake 10 minutes more.
  
  
• Meanwhile, whisk together tahini, water and lemon juice in a small bowl.
  
  
• To assemble sandwiches, place 2 lettuce leaves inside each pita, add 1 falafel patty and drizzle with 1 tablespoon of tahini dressing.

Weight Watchers - A Daily Snapshot

Here's a snapshot of my etools for Weight Watchers, where I track my food. This is what I ate today.

Daily Used = The points totaled for today
Daily Remaining= The points I can still use today
Weekly Remaining = These are extra points to be used if I were to go over my daily allowance.
Activity Earned=These are the points I can use that were earned by physical activity, like running or elliptical.

I have not tracked AT ALL this week and that's horrible. This morning I woke up and slapped my own wrist. I am always afraid that I'll be OVER in points, so I don't track - even though, seeing that over number is helpful to motivate you to get it together.

So, I promised I would track today and get on the pattern of tracking, no excuses. I was sure I was going to go over in points (I get 26 a day) but as usual, I was well under my daily allowance. I hate the stupid fear of going over - when I'm not tracking, I'm still thinking of points, so I probably am not going over nearly as much as I think I am.

Staying accountable from here on out!

The Science of Over Eating

I did some really quick grocery shopping, to replenish necessities today. While I was wandering the aisles I started thinking about something that I've never really discussed outwardly with regard to my over eating issues. Interestingly enough, it's something that I have discussed with regard to other parts of my life - mania and obsessive shopping.

Growing up, my family was really poor. And by really poor, I do not mean that we were "poor". We were POOR. The free school lunch, food stamps, only-have-one-pair-of-pants poor. Now, that being said, both of my (divorced) parents did a great job of providing how they could and making sure that I was never wondering where my next meal would come from. But, the ugly side of poverty is the mental stress it creates; for me, someone who already suffers from manic depression, I was impressed upon with the mark of being without. I have battled a shopping addiction that (while worsened due to mania) was a result to being heavily embarrassed and shamed over clothing/supplies while I was young. (At one point, I had several pairs of jeans, some that didn't fit but were bought on clearance, that had never been worn and still had tags on them on a shelf in my closet.) I'm sure there are people who will find these issues ridiculous, considering there are many, many poor kids that grow up with minimal emotional/psychological scars. However, the lack of a family unit/support system mixed with my natural personality of needing to be in control caused some rather gnarly results.

I've been realizing that this issue of being without has not only affected my shopping compulsion, but has also very negatively affected my eating habits. The years of food being a restricted item of value have created a monster inside of me who feels that I SHOULD eat whatever I want because I CAN. It's, again, a matter of power. Of control. I have the power, and my personality (oh, all of it's AWESOMENESS, right? BAH!) enables the need factor. I call this power eating.

Bitchcakes, a Weight Watchers/fitness blogger who has seriously inspired me, recently blogged about staying satisfied/food issues. When I read this particular post, I really identified with what she says about the overeater's need to eat in order to NOT be hungry. In fact, the entire post is great and really hits the mark on major problems we, as over eaters, face.

But, after being inspired by that post, I thought more about what over eating is to me. Aside from what Bitchcakes wrote, and the added emotional or manic/depressed eating I do, I realized that when I'm power eating, I eat so fast I barely taste it. If I'm eating, let's say, chocolate; I eat the piece in my mouth and the entire time am thinking about the NEXT piece I will eat. So, I am not even enjoying the chocolate while it's in my mouth, I'm eating it because I CAN and thinking about the REST of what I will eat because I can, anticipating it like it's an event, not food.

For the past few months, as I've been working on this journey, I have spent so much time and energy approaching these problems, accepting them, and trying to change them. For me, change doesn't mean that I will magically wake up and be free of my need to be in control of everything in my life. It does mean, however, that I'll be able to learn to shift the control over to something more positive. I want to take that energy and shift it over to being in control of tracking my food through Weight Watchers, making sure I get in my workouts.

Wisconsin in the Fall

The Drummer and I went home for the weekend to celebrate my friend, and future bride, Sara (and her wonderful fiancee Aaron)'s engagement with a straight up Wisconsin picnic.

It should also be mentioned that I'm the Matron of Honor for the wedding, something that I am extremely humbled and excited for. We got to go dress shopping and we found *the* dress!


I worked out extra hard the few days before I left for Wi, fully knowing that my diet and exercise plan would be facing intense adversity while away. Of course, I was right. I didn't get in any real workouts (even though we did do a lot of walking) and as far as food was concerned...I'm not sure I even want to talk about it.

Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I'm not *really* capable of the type of self-destruction that I have participated in in the past. (of course it's possible, but not AS probable.) I ate fairly well until the party on Saturday, and even at the party, I did better than I would have expected. My plate included small, spoon sized portions of macaroni and potato salad, a spoon of guacamole, and a spoon of taco dip. AND, I didn't go back for a second helping :) Now, if you've ever been to a Wisconsin party, you know that aside from almost everything including meat (which of course, I had to pick around - but that's just less eating!) there are at least four desserts for every person. In past times, this would have been a big deal...but this time, I ate one dessert - Aaron's Mom's brownie/chocolate peanut butter rice crispie bars.

Then, the Drummer and I spent a day eating our favorite Madison foods...including Papa Johns and New Orleans Takeout. Ugh. Honestly, it was fun but I was so full after NOT it seriously affected the rest of the day :( However, It was wonderful experiencing my home state again in the fall. There's NOTHING like the smell of Autumn, the changing leaves, and the cool breeze. I even treated myself to a Cinnamon Harvest latte from Steep and Brew when the Drummer and I made our usual trip there. I always visit the Steep and Brew, every trip...it's where the Drummer and I met 6 years ago. :)


A short video of some highlights, using my new P/S camera...it shoots HD and is nice and SMALL compared to carrying 5d/lenses everywhere! Love it.

The upside of the trip: my weight loss was noticeable enough for loved ones/friends to mention it. That was a wonderful feeling. Now, I'm hoping to go home for Christmas and surprise them again.

Progress: Sept. 16

(All of my belts are being worn at the smallest or second smallest hole. I have had some noticeable changes in clothing size over the past week, and I took two bags of clothes that are too big out of my room)

Disgusting

I have to focus more on posting to this blog in positive moments, but just like any blog, it takes a little time to really get in to a flow with it. I'm just getting used to the life changes myself.

Right now, I'm just not feeling positive. In fact, I feel like garbage. Ugly, fat garbage. Completely unattractive, ripe for ridicule.

The euphoria of progress, success, works wonders sometimes. Then, I go back to feeling how I always have - disgusting.

Disgusting.

Ten Days worth of Progress

Photo 1 taken 8/20/10, photo two taken 8/30/10.

Progress: Another Terrible Photo

(I wish I had a big mirror somewhere else in my house where I could take a photo. The light in this area sucks. )

Meal Plan - August 23-28 2010 REVISED 8-30-10

I'll be sharing my meal plans for each week here, and I'll come back at the end of the week to update them with how I actually did.

MONDAY:

• BREAKFAST Lower sugar oatmeal and 100 calorie yogurt
• SNACK Granola bar
  
• LUNCH Vegan soup
  
• SNACK TBA (FIG BAR)
  
• DINNER Cauliflower Pizza
  

TUESDAY:

• BREAKFAST Low sugar oatmeal and 100 calorie yogurt
  
• SNACK granola bar
  
• LUNCH Healthy Choice TV dinner
  
• SNACK popcorn (GRANOLA BAR)
  
• DINNER Faux Chicken wrap and vegetables
  

WEDNESDAY:

• BREAKFAST: Protein Shake (OATMEAL)
  
• SNACK: 100 Calorie Yogurt
  
• LUNCH: Vegan Soup or Salad
  
• SNACK: TBA
  
• DINNER: Giant Salad (SHELLS)
  

THURSDAY:

• BREAKFAST: Oatmeal
  
• SNACK: Yogurt
  
• LUNCH: Vegan Soup or Salad
  
• SNACK: Granola bar
  
• DINNER: Pad Thai with Prawns and Tofu
  

FRIDAY:

• BREAKFAST: Shake
  
• SNACK: 100 calorie Yogurt
  
• LUNCH: Healthy Choice TV dinner
  
• SNACK: Fruit
  
• DINNER: Fish Sandwiches (SUSHI)
  

SATURDAY:

• BREAKFAST: Oatmeal (SHAKE)
  
• SNACK: Granola Bar
  
• LUNCH: Veggie Sandwich (PANCAKES)
  
• SNACK: Cucumbers
  
• DINNER: Dinner Out (TACOS at BAJA)
  

SUNDAY:

• BREAKFAST: Waffles (OATMEAL)
  
• SNACK: tba (GRANOLA BAR)
  
• LUNCH: Faux Chix nuggets and veggies (TV DINNER)
  
• SNACK: popcorn (GRANOLA BAR)
  
• DINNER:Shells and tomato sauce (PAD THAI)
  

Bad Days and Expectations

For about two weeks I had hit a really great stride where I felt like everything was going really well. I had changed my eating patterns and felt much less hungry AND less tempted by crappy food or emotional eating. I was running twice a day and taking long walks. I was feeling like I was seeing results.

This week, I feel like that's all a distant memory. What troubles me is why.

I have gone a bit off plan - just a bit. I ate a little too much for dinner on Wednesday night. Today I ate two pieces of small bread with my soup for dinner. Tuesday I ate two granola bars in the afternoon that I didn't need simply due to the fact that I was feeling crappy. Tonight, I actually turned down Rubio's (my favorite fast food) knowing that it was just too many calories to be worth it.

I did 5 miles on Sunday, 2 on Monday, and 4 on Tuesday. Due to soreness in my legs I took Wednesday off, and today, I did another 4 miles.

But...overall...really not any huge problems. Earlier in the week, I fit in to a size 14 dress and it actually looks good. It's...tight...but, I like things fairly tight anyway, and the style works.

So, why do I feel so crappy?

I think I know why, and the reason really freaks me out.

I'm incredibly impatient and obsessive compulsive. Last week, I did my first two mile run on the elliptical machine. It was incredible - knowing that my body can do that. However, this week, I feel like I should keep pushing - that I now need to go 2.5 miles, or 3 miles. I know that I have it in me. I know I can do it. And because I know I can, I feel like I should. I think about how many more calories can be burned, how many more steps I can take.

I think about how the little things can help so much. Running an extra 20 minutes, which in the scale of things, is nothing, burns 300 more calories. That's my entire lunch. Skipping snacks saves calories. These things bother the hell out of me.

I realize that this is incredibly dangerous thinking. The last time I lost a large amount of weight, when I was in high school, I did it through obsessive compulsive restriction of food. It was a bad time for me, and I felt like my food was the only thing I could control. (A story that's far too often true). Once things started clearing, high school was getting closer to being over, and I got a little bit of self confidence, I went back to eating like crap. And, I gained. I have continued to gain since then.

I worry that my obsessive compulsive behavior will doom me to failure because I won't be able to keep up with my own expectations.

Training Schedule - August 23-28 2010

I'll be posting my training schedule here, and then coming back at the end of the week revise the post with how I actually did.


MONDAY: 20 min AM elliptical Level 2, 30min PM elliptical Level 3

TUESDAY: 20min AM elliptical, 2 miles Elliptical various interval PM, 25 min upper body fitness

WEDNESDAY: 25 min fitness AM, 2.5 mile walk PM

THURSDAY: 20min AM elliptical Level 2, 2 miles Elliptical various interval PM

FRIDAY: 20 min elliptical Level 2, 25 min fitness workout

SATURDAY: 2.5 mile walk, 25 min various fitness workout

SUNDAY: Tennis

Adjusting to my New Stomach - Case 1: Gin and Tonic

Ugh.

Anyone who goes out with me knows that I could handle my alcohol pretty well. While of course, after a few I get a bit slurry and loud, I never got sick, never did anything I regretted, and could drink gin and tonic and whiskey sours all night while my guy friends drink beers. Was a good life.

Things have changed.

Last night, I had three Gin and Tonics separately, with time in between. I knew after the first one I was already affected. After the second one, I was completely buzzed, and the third one did me IN. That? Is NOT usual. And, the drunk was different than I've ever previously felt. I was actually starting to feel a bit nauseous, tired and moody. It wasn't cool.

While driving home, I realized I needed to eat something. My new eating habits are really great in some cases, but totally killed me in this one. I only had a granola bar for dinner, because I just wasn't hungry for more before we left. Obviously, that contributed to my "lightweight" status. If there would have been restaurants open, I would have gotten pizza (EEEEEEEHHHH) but instead, we came home and I made Faux chicken nuggets and FRENCH FRIES (EEEEEHHHHHHH). At 2am.

Baaaaaaad.

Oh well. I'm chalking it up to a lesson about my new digestive system.

GoWear Fit - A Life Changing Tool!

I was reading through some weight loss blogs a few weeks ago when I came across someone discussing their activity tracking device. I think this particular blogger used a Body Bugg, but nevertheless I started looking up these trackers with interest and found the one I inevitably purchased, the GoWear fit.
In this phase of my weight loss journey I felt like it was really important to track EVERYTHING. The Drummer sometimes laughs at me because on any walk we go on, I use CardioTrainer (a distance/pace/calorie tracking and motivating tool for my Droid Eris) and keep track of what we did. But, when I go home and track all of that information on DailyMile, it makes me feel great. Before I joined Weight Watchers, I carried a small notebook to chart all food I ate in the day. It's so easy to make up stuff in your head, I wanted to be accountable. That's a big step for me.

So, reading about the GoWear Fit was interesting because it was another way to get an accurate track of what my body was doing all day. The GoWear tracks these things:

• Caloric Output. The GoWear tracks how many calories I burn in a day based on a few key measurements: motion, steps, galvanic skin response, skin temperature and heat flux.
  
• Physical Activity. The device tracks how intense my physical activity is - and since it is on me all day, that includes even things like walking up a big flight of stairs, or a big hill.
  
• Steps. Just like a pedometer, the GoWear tracks how many steps I take in a day.
  
• Sleep Efficiency. This is the coolest feature. The device tracks my sleep: it knows how long I'm laying down and how long I'm sleeping. It's interesting to wake up in the morning and plug it in to see where I was awake and where I was sleeping. This has also been the most startling of the discoveries - the amount of sleep I'm getting is nowhere near what I should be getting.
  

All of this information is compiled on a profile chart for me, where I can see everything. Additionally, using their web interface, I can chart my calories, so the interface can calculate what my caloric deficit is. I've chosen to use Weight Watchers instead to track food, but knowing the amount of calories I'm burning, as well as the intensity and my sleep - I'm in much better control over what my body is doing.

The device is a little weird to wear. I don't FEEL it really on my arm, but It is noticeable and people ask questions. I don't mind talking about it, though, because I really believe in the benefits.

Weight Watchers

A good friend of mine has been trying to get me to try Weight Watchers for quite awhile. She's recently lost her baby weight (and then some) using WW; she loves it. I decided a month ago, when I started to really take control of what I was eating, to try the online service. I am not ambitious enough now to go to meetings - so I like that I could sign up online and get so much of their great services without having to go to the weekly meetings.

So far I really like it. I haven't gotten to the point yet that I track every day, and I need to, because It's really nice to have that accountability. Previously, I had been tracking my caloric intake with a little notebook in my pocket all day. It works, but it sort of sucks :) The idea of points is actually much easier for me and I feel I'm MORE accountable.

I get 30 points a day, currently, based on my weight. The points change as your weight changes. Additionally, I get 35 weekly points, which can be used if I go over 30 points in a day. Those 35 points can be used any day of the week. Finally, when I do exercise, I input it in to the system as Activity. Then, it generates points I get for that activity: example, 10 minutes on the Elliptical is 2 Activity Points. So, Since I usually do 30min, I get 6 additional points for the week to use if I need to. That's in addition to the weekly 35 additional points. So, you can really feel in charge of what's going in and out of your body. I have never gotten up to my 30 points on any day. I kind of like going to bed knowing that I have 5 extra points that I didn't use. :)

Aside from tracking your points and activity, the Weight Watchers interface also has fantastic tools for both finding points in your favorite foods and restaurant foods, and great recipes using certain ingredients. Love.

This week I'll post a sample of what my daily food intake on Weight Watchers looks like.

Me, 8.19.10

Please excuse this TERRIBLE photo taken with my Android. I am a professional photographer and am embarrassed to display something like this but it was a quick snap just to show what I look like, today. I FEEL thinner. I can see the weight loss in my face and arms and a little around my hips.

The one where the blog really starts

I know there are a bazillion weight loss blogs out there in cyberspace. I like quite a few of them. I enjoy reading about their struggles and their progress as they journey through this challenge.

So, I want to get a few things straight about me - what MY journey is, and how I'll be sharing it here.

- This blog will include every portion of this journey, from the happy to the dark. Reader's discretion is advised.

- I have always been overweight, but in recent years things have gotten out of control. I am 26 years old, 5'6, and I am a size 18. I do not hope to be a size 2. I hope to be a size 10 again. I hope to be fit.

- I have an eating disorder. It has completely skewed how I perceive food and how It makes me feel. Most, if not all, of my weight issues have been caused by binging and purging fueled by emotional eating.

- I am not going to be weighing in. I WILL be measuring, but because I have an addictive/compulsive behavior, I know that weigh ins would become too much of an issue for me.

- I will be assisting dietary changes with physical activity as well. I am a new runner, an old tennis player, rollerblader, and weight trainer.


I don't expect anyone to read this blog. I am hoping that writing it helps me to succeed. I hope that a few people might find me and relate. If one of those people is you, please do say hello.

And with that...

Here we go.

Rest

My body is wrecked.

And it's Jillian Michael's fault.

I started the 30 day Shred yesterday. Holy crap.
Don't get me wrong - it's GREAT. After I finished it, I felt great - exhausted and energized at the same time. But, at least until I get myself in a little better shape, the workout is a challenge.

Prior to 30DS I did the dog jog. After only about a week and a half of getting out and jogging, I'm really amazed to say that I can really feel my stamina has improved. Well, the new shoes help that incredibly, but I can tell that my body is moving with a more fluid motion. I am enjoying it, because I can go at my own pace, without anyone telling me I'm too slow. And, I have a companion.

Oh that's right - today's entry is called rest. That's what I'm doing. I thought about jogging, and I thought about doing the 30DS - but when I say my body is wrecked - I had a hard time getting up from a chair and getting up the stairs. My poor knee hates me workout routine. I want to give it a moment to chill before I put it back in the game.

I can RUN!

I took the shoes out for a short interval run tonight. I know I need to break them in slowly, but after thinking about it for so long, I just had to do it...try it out, and see if my feet would really move with this new technology under them.

Oh. My. God.
I can RUN.

I can move my body, throw my weight at the ground and work my heart without feeling like my ankles are going to collapse underneath me.

I am still slow. Out of shape. And oh, very, very slow.

But I can run. And that's the first step.

(Thank goodness I have a little hairless dog who likes to run by my side)

Shoes

This morning, I walked out of DB Shoes (a these-shoes-are-out-of-season-therefore-50% off kind of place) with a pair of tennis shoes in my hands. I sat down on the bench outside the store and took off the pair of shoes that were on my feet - and replaced them with the new shoes. I then walked over to the garbage can, held the old shoes up, took one last look and with a sigh, tossed them in the can.

Those shoes were tennis (yes, the sport tennis) shoes. And they were over 12 years old.

They're the last pair of athletic shoes I've ever bought. And I didn't even buy them - my Dad did, because I was 14 years old.

Today, I've started moving.

About the Girl

This is me. I'm a photographer, musician and designer. I have been fat for the majority of my life. Luckily, this has not stopped me from being a pretty confident, kick ass person, but lately I've been really feeling like I'm inside some unfamiliar body. A fatsuit, if you will.

When I think about myself in my head, I am not the girl I see in the mirror. This has been a blessing and a curse. For too long, I've been able to imagine myself very differently than what I really am - it kept me fairly happy for the most part, but kept me in denial about letting my body go out of my control.

I am 26 years old, and at the prime of my youth. I am sick of feeling like I'm hindered by my weight. It's partially about how I look - but it's more about how I feel. I've been punishing myself and consoling my soul with food. It's not an excuse anymore. It's done.