I did some really quick grocery shopping, to replenish necessities today. While I was wandering the aisles I started thinking about something that I've never really discussed outwardly with regard to my over eating issues. Interestingly enough, it's something that I have discussed with regard to other parts of my life - mania and obsessive shopping.
Growing up, my family was really poor. And by really poor, I do not mean that we were "poor". We were POOR. The free school lunch, food stamps, only-have-one-pair-of-pants poor. Now, that being said, both of my (divorced) parents did a great job of providing how they could and making sure that I was never wondering where my next meal would come from. But, the ugly side of poverty is the mental stress it creates; for me, someone who already suffers from manic depression, I was impressed upon with the mark of being without. I have battled a shopping addiction that (while worsened due to mania) was a result to being heavily embarrassed and shamed over clothing/supplies while I was young. (At one point, I had several pairs of jeans, some that didn't fit but were bought on clearance, that had never been worn and still had tags on them on a shelf in my closet.) I'm sure there are people who will find these issues ridiculous, considering there are many, many poor kids that grow up with minimal emotional/psychological scars. However, the lack of a family unit/support system mixed with my natural personality of needing to be in control caused some rather gnarly results.
I've been realizing that this issue of being without has not only affected my shopping compulsion, but has also very negatively affected my eating habits. The years of food being a restricted item of value have created a monster inside of me who feels that I SHOULD eat whatever I want because I CAN. It's, again, a matter of power. Of control. I have the power, and my personality (oh, all of it's AWESOMENESS, right? BAH!) enables the need factor. I call this power eating.
Bitchcakes, a Weight Watchers/fitness blogger who has seriously inspired me, recently blogged about staying satisfied/food issues. When I read this particular post, I really identified with what she says about the overeater's need to eat in order to NOT be hungry. In fact, the entire post is great and really hits the mark on major problems we, as over eaters, face.
But, after being inspired by that post, I thought more about what over eating is to me. Aside from what Bitchcakes wrote, and the added emotional or manic/depressed eating I do, I realized that when I'm power eating, I eat so fast I barely taste it. If I'm eating, let's say, chocolate; I eat the piece in my mouth and the entire time am thinking about the NEXT piece I will eat. So, I am not even enjoying the chocolate while it's in my mouth, I'm eating it because I CAN and thinking about the REST of what I will eat because I can, anticipating it like it's an event, not food.
For the past few months, as I've been working on this journey, I have spent so much time and energy approaching these problems, accepting them, and trying to change them. For me, change doesn't mean that I will magically wake up and be free of my need to be in control of everything in my life. It does mean, however, that I'll be able to learn to shift the control over to something more positive. I want to take that energy and shift it over to being in control of tracking my food through Weight Watchers, making sure I get in my workouts.
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