The Big Giant Excuse

I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.

There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.

Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.

I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.

But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.

A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.

The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.

I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.

When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.

But right now? I'm just not strong enough.

OMG

You Guys.

What have I been doing all my life? Apparently, being a total dummy, because today I went to the gym with my new membership. For the first time.

Now I've been to gyms before. In high school I even worked out at the city gym fairly regularly for a bit, but I just paid the entrance fee and didn't have a membership.

Ok, there's a backstory. On Sunday, my Elliptical machine broke. It's nothing special; I paid $400 for it and I never expected it would be perfect. I use it a lot and well, it's kind of shoddy, and some sodering came loose. We bought the extended warranty so someday soon I'll get Nordic Track in here to fix it, but in the meantime, I freaked. No workout? Not going to happen. So I got online right then and there and joined 24hr fitness.

It was sort of a rash decision. Today, I went for the first time. This morning I went and got my membership validated, then walked around to see the place. It's pretty big, with every machine you can think of, plus a gym, spa room and a lap pool. I went at 9 so it was a little packed; I still managed to get on an elliptical. It's one of those fancy Precor ones, you know, that work and don't wobble, LOL. I did 2 miles in 20 minutes, no problem.

Tuesdays are nice because I am not at the studio and work at home, so I generally get some pretty good workout time in. After the 2 miles this morning, David decided to take Hank to Pt Isabel for some walk training, and so we did two really fast miles there.

Tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about the gym. I was imagining all that shiny equipment; I wanted to run, to bike, to strength train. I finally succumbed around 9:00 pm, and by 9:30 I was walking in the door.

It was much less packed, and I think 9:30 will be a regular time for me to do nightly workouts. I jumped on the elliptical and plugged my headphones in to the machine; the machines allow you to listen to what's going on the big tvs on the wall. I watched The Biggest Loser (which I'd never seen before) and a part of a show called Parenthood. Before I knew it, 2 miles had gone by and I jumped off the machine to bike. Then I biked four miles. I figured I'd end the day with a cool down walk of a mile on a treadmill - a machine I've never used until tonight.

All and all, I was there for an hour and I burned around 550 calories. And now, I'm in love.

I need to find someone to help me get started on the weight and strength machines, because I'm totally dumb about them. But it will happen. I plan to swim. I plan to take one of the spin classes they have there.

I'm so excited. This amazing fitness day is just a reminder to me about how my life has really changed, finally. The way I felt about getting in there, to workout, to keep moving; that's nothing I've ever felt before. My priorities are changing and I'm getting healthier as my size goes down. This week has been really shitty so far and I really needed today. It came out of nowhere, and helped me to remember that I am in control of my life and I am making some amazing changes that have already started to pay off.

Finally, here's a look at my Gowear Fit activity monitor today. Looking at this makes me so proud.

• I burned 4331 calories today. My general target is 2000 and I usually burn between 2600 - 3000. This is an awesome milestone.
• I walked over 18,000 steps! This includes my time on the treadmill and elliptical. That is a huge, gigantic record. I have yet to wear the GoWear fit to a wedding when I'm working, and I'd bet that I might get close or break that on one of those days. But this is another awesome milestone and record for me.
• I had an elevated heart rate and was exercising for 2 hours and 38 minutes. Totally awesome.

Progress 10.4.10

Baked Falafel

We made this AWESOME baked falafel tonight for dinner. It's a Weight Watchers recipe, and while it's a little high in pts (7/serving) it is really filling and REALLY AWESOME.

Baked Falafel Sandwich

	15 1/2 oz canned chickpeas, rinsed and drained
	1/4 cup(s) onion(s), chopped
	1/4 cup(s) parsley, or cilantro, fresh, chopped
	1 medium garlic clove(s), minced
	1 tsp ground cumin
	1/4 tsp ground coriander
	1/4 tsp table salt
	1/4 tsp baking soda
	1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
	2 tsp olive oil
	2 Tbsp tahini sesame butter
	2 Tbsp water
	1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
	8 piece(s) lettuce
	4 large wheat pita(s) (we used 100 Calorie wraps)

Instructions

• Combine chickpeas, onion, parsley, garlic, cumin, coriander, salt and baking soda in a food processor or blender. Process until mixture is coarsely pureed and transfer to large bowl. Stir in flour; shape mixture into 4 large patties and let stand for 15 minutes.
  
  
• Preheat oven to 400ºF.
  
  
• Heat oil in a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat. Add patties and cook until golden brown, flipping once, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer skillet to oven and bake 10 minutes more.
  
  
• Meanwhile, whisk together tahini, water and lemon juice in a small bowl.
  
  
• To assemble sandwiches, place 2 lettuce leaves inside each pita, add 1 falafel patty and drizzle with 1 tablespoon of tahini dressing.

Weight Watchers - A Daily Snapshot

Here's a snapshot of my etools for Weight Watchers, where I track my food. This is what I ate today.

Daily Used = The points totaled for today
Daily Remaining= The points I can still use today
Weekly Remaining = These are extra points to be used if I were to go over my daily allowance.
Activity Earned=These are the points I can use that were earned by physical activity, like running or elliptical.

I have not tracked AT ALL this week and that's horrible. This morning I woke up and slapped my own wrist. I am always afraid that I'll be OVER in points, so I don't track - even though, seeing that over number is helpful to motivate you to get it together.

So, I promised I would track today and get on the pattern of tracking, no excuses. I was sure I was going to go over in points (I get 26 a day) but as usual, I was well under my daily allowance. I hate the stupid fear of going over - when I'm not tracking, I'm still thinking of points, so I probably am not going over nearly as much as I think I am.

Staying accountable from here on out!