I am Not a Quitter...

...but I am an Aries, and that means I like to start lots of things and bounce all over the place, sometimes completing them, sometimes losing track. Like this blog. Well, and my body. Many things have changed since I started this blog last year. I have changed a lot of bad eating habits in to good ones. I went from a soy hungry vegetarian to a carnivore again. I lost about 30 lbs, got myself in to at least passable shape, and managed to continue the basics of the plan I set up for myself in order to lose around 70 lbs. However, there's a lot of things that have gone off track. I'm going to blame a lot of it on the fact that I spent my spring and summer in car accident hospital land. The stress and anguish I have gone through this year is nothing to joke about. I am sometimes unsure of how I managed to even get through it. Things are by no means normal now, but at least David is walking again and we're able to resume some of our normal life. One big problem over the past few months for me was the fact that David lost 20 lbs - 20 lbs he couldn't stand to lose - while sitting in a hospital bed for a month. So, when he arrived home, it was important that I help him to gain back a lot of that weight so that he'd no longer look like one of those kids from the Christian Children's Fund commercials. It was harder than you might think. We eat at home most of the time, so I was cooking a lot of food - which made it easier for my portions to get larger and larger - even though we were eating good foods, I have been eating too much. I've gained a bit of weight. Nothing major. But it's there. And, I really need to put my foot down and get back in to my old ways, when I was prioritizing the health of my body over other things, and allowing myself to manage stress my pushing my body. I am not a quitter - and I am not going to stop working toward a healthier body and mind.

Defeated

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and my life is one big bunch of stress and open ended questions that cause me to eat more chocolate than I should. I have gained weight, I have lost my exercise schedule, and I feel completely defeated. I do realize that this time in my life is probably not the best for trying to stick to gigantic life changes. I'm just upset that I lost ground. I have changed enough that seeing what kind of damage falling of the wagon does to me makes me incredibly upset and disgusted. I work constantly, for one job that doesn't pay me enough and asks way to much of me, and for another that pays me but forces me to finish specified projects each week on a time schedule. I am so tired. I hate all of it. I have no time to shoot, or even do work that I like doing. I need something. I need something different.

the scar

i'm just not ok, yet.

I've opened this window time and time again to try and write a bit, at least to update a little. It's just been sort of difficult to put in to words a lot of the emotions I have been going through day to day.

Now that David is home and recovering here, things have gone back to a form of normal. We're in our own house. We can watch our own tv and he sleeps in his own bed (anyone who has gone a month and a half without sleeping next to their spouse will understand this). I get to cook his meals and not worry he isn't getting the right nutrition. We can even go to movies and out to eat once in a great while.

This isn't a blog about my mental health so I'm not going to elaborate too far on how I'm feeling. However, where I am is a very lonely, sad, and scarred place. Around every turn, I'm reminded that I feel as if life right now is borrowed time that can be sent to collections at any time.

Our life was already a massive question mark before this accident, and all of the things that were up in the air, important things about jobs and money and our future, now just line the bottom of the massive pile of things that must be fixed, decided, or figured out. And, I'm the only one who can walk right now.

And, through it all, there's the haunted footsteps and soft white noise of this neighborhood, this town, this metro.

I'm just not ok, not yet. I am thankful. I am enlightened. But I am in grief and I am traumatized and I am depressed. On top of all of this, the world keeps going; my friends work on getting pregnant and buying houses and going to Europe and landing dream jobs while we sit here in this house, waiting for whatever comes next.

It's the opposite of how I wanted this year to go. And I'm sorry, but right now, I'm just not ok.

Skinnygirl Margarita

I admit it: I love Bethenny Frankel. I really don't care what you say. I have loved her since I first watched her on "The Real Housewives of New York" (My guilty pleasure show) and I watch all the episodes of her new show, "Bethenny Ever After" on Demand.

Judge all you want. She's a woman who actually works for a living, and has the life I dream of. Successful, inspired, and still down to earth while keeping a great sarcastic wit.

Bethenny created a pre-mixed Margarita product called Skinnygirl, which boasts a great tasting, quality tequila margarita that comes in at only 100 calories per serving. I've seen it on her show forever and always kind of thought, "maybe someday I'll try it, if I remember..."

I was at Bevmo a couple of days ago (where I accidentally spent $30 on a bottle of wine...long story) and they had cases of Skinnygirl at the checkout. So, I said, "What the heck?" and grabbed a bottle for $13.99. (this was when I had no idea that I grabbed a $30 bottle of wine. But anyway.)

For dinner last night, I poured myself a serving of Skinnygirl right in to this here cherry tumbler. No, I don't have Margarita glasses.

Verdict: it's very good. You can tell that it is a lower calorie Margarita (much less sweet) but that's hardly a bad thing. It's very drinkable, and definitely doesn't skimp on the Tequila. Considering ease of use (no mixing) and the fact that you know how many calories you're getting, I can definitely see picking up another bottle in the future for a dinner party or grillout. But, at $13.99 a bottle, I probably wouldn't choose it for Guitar Hero Night or Let's get boozy Saturdays (again, not necessarily a bad thing!)

...says iPad Naysayer

Back to the Gym

Because my sorry ass has gained 7 lbs of emotional misery.

Wedding

4/14/11 - Part One

David and I had a trip planned, along with our friends Dave and Cho, to visit Red Rocks Canyon in southern California for a weekend camping trip. It's a long drive, so we were scheduled to leave at 5am on Friday, April 15th, but we'd meet the night before around 8:00 to pack up the SUV our friends rented to take down south.

Thursday, April 14th was a busy day. I worked in Sausalito until 4:30, drove back to our house in Richmond and picked up David to drop him off at band practice in Oakland. Since we only have one car, and I needed to drop Hank off with the weekend babysitter, Dave was to get a ride home from his good friend and bandmate, Alex, whose parents live just a couple of blocks away from our house. This was a common practice since Alex often stayed with his parents. This particular night, he needed to do some things there so it was easy for him to drop David off on the way. I'll always remember David shutting the car door and trotting away, drumsticks in hand, toward the practice space.

I stopped in Piedmont to drop off Hank, chatting with Sara (the babysitter) for a good half an hour before heading back to Richmond, stopping at Target (to pick up my sleeping bag) along the way. I got back to the house around 7:00, and started organizing the rest of our camping supplies and putting food in to tupperware. At 7:20, I got a call from David saying that they were dropping off Brian, the band's guitar player, at his house, and then heading toward Richmond. That meant I should expect David home in about a half an hour. "Try not to stay too long" I remember saying. "You still need to finish your food projects for camping before Dave and Cho get here with the SUV."

I continued what I was doing and didn't look at the clock until 8:30. Eight THIRTY? Where the heck is David? I started to get a little upset, because I didn't want Dave and Cho to get to the house with the truck without David being here and ready. I grabbed my phone and called him. It rang. It rang all the way to the voice mail message, to which I thought nothing of. "They're probably chatting and he didn't hear it-" I thought, since that happened often.

So I called again. And again, no answer. That worried me a little. "Maybe they are still inside the warehouse, and can't get reception". I thought. I decided to give it 10 minutes and call back.

And, 10 minutes later, I called again - and again, no answer. I called 5 times in a row. I started to really get worried. David never leaves me hanging. He has never ever not called when something came up, when he was going to be late, or when he was out. It just wasn't like him. Were they stuck in traffic? I realized maybe his phone had died, so I called Alex's phone.

No answer.

It was then that I realized something was very wrong.

I got on the computer and Tweeted (because, you know, that's what I do.)

Then, I gchatted Josh, who was online. "Can you call David?" I asked. "He's not answering, and I want to make sure it's not my phone".

"Of course" he responded, and after a pause, he wrote back "No answer. Where is he at?"

I divulged that he had been at band practice and that Alex would be dropping him off at home, but that they were seriously late. Josh looked up Alex's parent's address, to see if we should maybe stop there to see if the boys were, or possibly to get Alex's address in Oakland.

Then I had a terrible thought. I knew I had to check the Highway Patrol accident reports. That's...what you do when someone who is supposed to be driving is missing.

So I did.

And that's when the night took a turn.

Scrolling through, I saw a 2 car accident involving a truck and an car on the 880 corridor that had happened around 8pm. Which would have been exactly the time when Alex and Dave would have been there.

Almost instantly, Josh sent a message: "Do you know what car they were driving?"

Alex's pickup truck had been having problems, and he'd wasn't always driving it. The week before, he'd been driving his dad's Volvo station wagon. Sometimes, he had his boss's giant truck.

"I don't know." I responded. "I thought he had the Volvo".

After another short pause, Josh sent another message. "I'm coming over".

By this point, my body was shaking so hard I could barely type. Off and on, I'd feel the burning sensation of tears. The shaking was so intense I could feel it in my bones. I opened the doors and windows, so that any sound of a car or light from headlights would become apparent sooner. I pictured the Volvo pulling up, the passenger door swinging open, and David running out, apologetically.

But, in reality, the CHP website scrolled along the screen of my Macbook in bright blue.

* 2 vehicles involved

* truck ovrtned. Pssger trped

* red chevy pickup 2 pssgr

* 2 pssger trped unresp

I kept calling. I called Dave, I called Alex. I left messages. I called Brian, who didn't answer.

* wh kia stopped

* pssger still trapped

* ambulence responding

Dave and Cho arrived. I was crying and shaking. Cho said, "What's wrong?"

"David is missing. I think he's been in an accident" I responded.

"There was an accident on 880 - but it wasn't your car, " She said.

"They're in Alex's car. "

"I didn't see any cars - it looked like an SUV!" She said. "I think he's ok, I bet he's just stuck".

* debris in all lns

* SIGALERT needed

* 880 closed bth dir debris

Josh arrives behind them. "Do you know if they had Alex's truck? Because the truck invovled in the accident was a red Chevy - and that's what Alex had, if they were in it".

* tow resp

As I pace, the phone rings. I shriek. It's Brian.

"Nissa, what's going on? Are you ok?" He asked.

"No. David and Alex are missing. Do you know what vehicle they were in tonight when they dropped you off?"

"Yeah, it was Alex's truck - red...either a Toyota or a Chevy, maybe?"

* cancel tow/debris rem evidence

* coroner disp

*coroner/scene

9:30. Do I call the hospitals? Do I call the police? Who do I call? I know, at this point, I know, that my husband has a 50/50 chance of being dead. I know that one of the boys in that truck did not make it through this accident that at this point I know included the vehicle my husband was riding in.

Dave picked up his phone and called the CHP. I remember his fearful eyes behind a strong, calm tone. "I'll call to see if they have any info". He took the phone outside.

"He hasn't been incarcerated or hospitalized". He responded, calmly.

Somehow that didn't calm me. I was still pacing, thinking, trying to process. What do I do? Who do I call next? The feeling of helplessness that I could do nothing but sit there and wait for something to happen was choking me and it took everything in my power to breathe.

10:00.

10:10.

10:12. The phone rings. It's a restricted number. "HELLO" I practically scream in to the mouthpiece.

"Is this Nissa Brehmer?" The caller asks.

"Yes!" I respond.

"This is the social worker at Highlands Hospital. I am calling to tell you that your husband is here..."

"OH MY GOD, IS HE ALIVE?" I scream, unable to control my volume.

"...dear, please just let me tell you, he is here, he is in stable condition.."

"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU can I see him? Where is he?"

"Highlands Hospital. You may see him. He is stable."

I managed to thank her again - she had a soothing and helpful voice - before dropping the phone and screaming, "He is alive!" to my friends, who grab me and hold me as I burst in to tears.

Rest In Peace, Friend.

Alexander Chappell, 9.15.1984 - 4.14.2011




More on this story, to be continued.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

My sister in law shared this recipe with us and since we're big brussel sprout fans, we naturally had to try it. I modified it just a bit.

To get started:

- Preheat your oven to 450 degrees

- Get out a medium sized bowl and a cookie sheet

Ingredients:

- As many brussel sprouts as you want

- Olive oil

- Kosher salt

- Pepper

- Green onions

- Two garlic cloves

- balsamic vinegar

Directions:

1. Cut the brussel sprouts in half.

2. Chop the garlic cloves and green onions.

3. Mix the oil, balsamic, salt, pepper, garlic and onions in a medium sized bowl.

4. Dump the sprouts in to the bowl, and mix them around, making sure to get all of the sprouts covered.

5. Spray a little pam on your cookie sheet and place the sprouts on it. There will be leftover garlic and onion in the bowl - spread the pieces over the sprouts on the pan.

6. Cook for 35 minutes, turning occasionally. Everything will get pretty brown, but that's good - the oil gets pretty crunchy and really makes the sprouts taste great.

Halfway Through

Done!

Tonight, we prepared two grassfed beef hamburgers to eat with the brussel sprouts. Hamburgers used to be a favorite of mine when I ate meat long ago, so it has been fun to integrate them again.

Our new frying pan, courtesy of a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift card from Grandma!!!

And, the final plate:

Of course, we ate our hamburgers without a bun, and added a little high fructose free ketchup on the side.

It was topped off by a glass of Old Vine Red by Marietta, a wine recommended to us by Dave's parents. It's a great low cost red wine.

I have tried lots of different non-lactose ice creams in the past, but I have never had Almond Dream before - it is free of soy, dairy and gluten - with no weird chemicals! It tastes AMAZING (think chocolate ice cream with almonds in it!). It will be a good treat once and awhile.

In Which All Things Change (Or, the Story of a Vegetarian No More)

About four and a half years ago, my husband watched a documentary on meat that changed our lives. Now, Midwesterners born and raised, we spent our lives up until this point eating hamburgers, roasted chickens, bacon - lots and lots of meat as it is the fruit of our homeland. After learning the horrors of meat and grain fed meat, antibiotics and hormones, removing mammals from our diet seemed to be the only choice we had. We quickly took up a vegetarian diet (pescatarian to be exact - we have always continued to consume fish) and didn't look back.

Until last week.

Upon the recommendation of a weight loss friend, I bought Tim Ferriss's new book, The 4-Hour Body and read it cover to cover. Ferriss is a long time personal experimenter of the human body. He's done something like $250,000 worth of bloodwork to track changes or progress as he tries to do things that Doctors and experts say are not possible with regard to the human body and its systems. Now, I am not one for fad diets and I know that weight loss doesn't come without hard work. So, for those of you who are poo-pooing the book because of the name, wait! What Ferriss describes in his book is a way to revolutionize your life by cutting out bad and poisonous things - bad foods, stress, and un natural living - to become a superhuman. I was captivated page after page - his endless quest to find answers, to not take "that's impossible" for an answer, was enlightening. By the time I was finished, I knew I wouldn't be the same.

After reading "The Four Hour Body", I got "The Paleo Solution" by famed Paleolithic diet researcher and advocate Robb Wolf. Five pages in to this one I was in tears. Fifteen pages and I knew that the next day, things would be changing. In the kitchen. ASAP.

My husband David has suffered from gastrointestinal issues (GI) for most of his life. I'm not talking about a little acid reflux...I'm talking, bound over in pain GI. Last year, he finally saw a doctor to try and figure out what was going on, and the process was frustrating and fruitless. He was told to stay away from rice and cheese (binding agents) and sent on his way. Of course, nothing has changed - while the non-consumption of dairy and rice has given him a little relief on some days, his condition had ben basically the exact same: debilitating pain after eating.

A year or so ago I started to suspect Celiac may be the cause of his problems. I didn't know much about it in the first place, but a friend at work had tried to warn me of the dangers of gluten and explained that he had Celiac disease. I wasn't very interested in hearing what he had to say - I wish he would have talked a little louder then!

Wolf, in the Paleo Solution, brings gluten to front and center very early. His take? Gluten is an anti-nutrient, a poison that no one should eat. Period. I am not going to go in to the advanced specifics of it because it's highly scientific and I will probably transcribe some of it incorrectly. If you're interested in the science behind gluten and what it does to your system, I highly recommend Robb Wolf's book, and you can find it here. The short of it is basically that wheat reproduces by dispersing and germinating. Because it cannot disperse and germinate when picked and eaten by a human, it has ammunition that is released in to our system when we try to eat its "young". This is meant to keep us from eating it (because of the negative reaction it causes) but, most people do not notice it (because they don't ever go without it). Celiac is an autoimmune disorder in which gluten cannot be correctly digested through the small intestine. This causes major small intestinal damage.

Reading this made so much sense, with regard to how David has been feeling. I have seen him daily in so much abdominal pain and felt so helpless about what to do. Doctors have never suggested Celiac. Now, he's gone five days without gluten and has had literally no gastric problems. None.

And with that, our household has become gluten free.

The main reason I am enchanted by the Paleo lifestyle is, absolutely, that my husband is no longer in debilitating stomach pain. The second reason is that the evidence presented by the Paleo community about the dangers of large amounts of carbohydrates (which are just sugar in the end, are treated as such, and cause communication problems between our hormones and our brain), gluten (which is not correctly digested by anyone, even those without Celiac), the incredible danger of soy products, ESPECIALLY for people with hormonal or thyroid deficiency (me), and the advantages of the protein as provided by grass fed/wild meat has convinced me to try this way of life, at least for a little while. The third reason? I gained more weight while being vegetarian than I ever have in my life. There has to be a reason - and now, I believe the reason is that I have been eating the wrong things and causing a hormonal and metabolic disaster in my body. People who have gone to the Paleo lifestyle have dropped bodyfat, FAST.

I think it's ignorant to go on doing something you believe in when new evidence is presented in which that belief is challenged. When we chose to become Vegetarians, we were under the impression that a meatless diet was the most healthy. I no longer believe that, though I do still disagree with commercial farming. Choosing to bring meat back in to our life will be the most difficult part of this change. First of all, I have no idea how to BUY meat - I never have! Second, we are still absolutely anti commercial farming and are still convinced that we do not want to consume hormone filled, antibiotic treated meat that has been fed corn, grain and other meat. As we re-introduce it, we'll be doing only grassfed meats. About dairy - I have been almost dairy free for a long time, as I have always been lactose intolerant. However, I have VERY STRONG feelings toward the dangers of dairy consumption which remain the same as they have always been. I believe that cow milk is not meant for humans (just like human milk is not meant for humans - it's meant to feed our young - and cow's milk is meant to feed calves, NOT PEOPLE). Removing all dairy has been hard, as things like cream or trace milk is in everything it seems. However, it's now banned from my life all together. I am glad for this, finally - IMO milk is terrible, terrible stuff.

Over the past week since we returned to California, I have been working to employ Ferris's ideals in to my life. In the face of all that is happening now in "adult land" for David and I now, all the decisions that must be made, sacrifices occurring, and job hunting, I am repeating this: I am a machine. My body was made to kick ass, move, live, and thrive. Our new, gluten, dairy, and soy free lifestyle is really kickstarting the year.

And with that? It's all getting better from here. I can't wait to continue training and becoming a strong, lean, powerful human; I can't wait to stop allowing the stress of life to keep me from achieving my goals professionally. It's amazing how something like a DIET book can get you so motivated, right? ;p

(I realize I have made many claims in this blog that may sound strange or wrong. I invite anyone to please ask questions about gluten/dairy/soy free living - I am more than happy to provide further resources for you! I look forward to it. )

I am a Machine

In 2010, I lost about 30 lbs. I regained fitness. I started something very important.

In 2011, things will change drastically.

Our bodies were not made to suffer and sit. They were made to thrive, move, and kick ass. Physically and psychologically.

I'm making a huge transition right now, as we speak, and I have a lot to say about it. I'm not quite ready to say it all right this second, so please stand by for a post by the end of the week highlighting my plan for 2011.

Suffice it to say: I am a machine. So are you. This will change everything.