I had a really shitty day. Like, shitty in almost every single way possible. Tonight at the gym, I did a really hard workout which, during, was the first time all day that I didn't feel like closing my eyes, holding my breath, and just saying goodnight. After doing my strength training, I got on the elliptical machine and tuned out until three miles had gone by. Then, I got on the bike and did 5.
There's a great high you get after a workout - I feel it much more intensely now that I'm able to workout hard for an hour or more without dying. I sweat, I gasp for awhile, and I push, but when I'm done, I'm awake. Alive. In touch with my muscles, my joints, and my skin.
Usually, a shitty day means I'm going to eat everything in sight. Without pause. I can literally imagine it today, how eating numbs pain, causes pleasure, and allows me to just not deal with how shitty things are making me feel. It allows me to just get by without changing anything. Without progressing. Without having to solve problems. And, when I'm done eating, the weight of the crap I just put in to my system makes me a lump of nothing but gluttony that continues to sit and avoid. And then sleep, so I can do it another day.
I knew from the moment the first shitty thing happened this morning, that I was NOT going to give in to food. Actually, no. I didn't know I wouldn't. I knew I was going to do everything in my power NOT to do it. And, running tonight, I realized that I did it.
But, I also realized that if I had it my way, I would stay on that machine and run all night. Don't get me wrong - I obviously realize that there's a huge difference between the two - but there's also one big huge similarity. Denial. Avoidance. The ability to create endorphins and numb the pain and sickness life causes. Whether I'm eating or I'm on the elliptical machine I'm still doing the same thing.
A blogger who I've referenced before, Bitchcakes, just happened to write a blog post tonight that is shockingly coincidental. I want you to read it, here. She's at a very different place in her journey - she's reached her goal weight. But, what she wrote tonight resonated with me so deeply because she's on the other end of it. She's validating everything that I already had to deal with myself tonight - knowing, this journey is not about my weight. It's about my mental health. My SELF.
The idea that being thinner, being rid of the fatsuit, will solve life's problems is beyond false. But, as someone who has been inside the cushy excuse of being overweight for most of my definitive years, it's almost impossible to really agree with that statement. There's a romanticism, when I'm running, that If I just finish this journey, this fight; I will find everything I'm looking for. I will find the strength to face this life. I don't think I entirely understand how much of me is visible to others.
I want to believe that finishing this journey will simply remove the last hurdle. The last excuse.
When I medicate with exercise I feel energized, awake, and ready to keep going. It's the opposite of how I feel after a food medication - I think, really, that's the key. I need to use the energy I'm creating to figure this shit out. If I'm going to have a defense, I'd rather it be the one that gives me the tools to change myself.
But right now? I'm just not strong enough.
1 comment:
You make a very valid point. Coming up with that drive to go to the gym, to not eat that piece of cake, its not physical like the results. It is because of personal resolve and strength of self. I'd never really thought of it that way before.
I think we tend to lose track of that though because the action of working out is physical. We don't stop often enough to reap the mental rewards it gives us as well.
I hope that makes sense
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